Authentically, indignantly hilarious...
Okay, this started out as a, well, a sort of cry of despair, but it's shaping up kinda good... First, I sent out this email:
I am absolutely not making this up. This is the unbelievable shite I am trying to edit into English:Dredging himself down the long dark corridors shadowy figures were whispering sounds of acknowledgement that he was there. Realization of anticipated recovery pierced his soul with confirmation that this was real. His body drained from the emotional turmoil that he was experiencing subsided has he neared the encumbered room. Suddenly he stopped to miraculously gaze upon the luminous light encompassed around the door. Standing there perplexed by the vision he was witnessing as happiness intruded his soul and mind.
"Dredging himself"??? What does she mean? He rolled in flour and egg all the way down the hallway? He scraped mud off his shoes? Trudging? Dragging?
Michelle, please. Take your hands off the keyboard and back slowly away from the computer....I ask you ... does it get any worse than that?
Then, I started getting replies... they are posted as comments, just cuz...
posted by ae @ 8:49 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
"Dredging himself down the long dark corridors shadowy figures were whispering sounds of acknowledgement that he was there."
Battered and bruised, he, whoever he might be, trudged down the long dark corridors. "Hang in there sport", "keep trudging buddy" the shadows seemed
to whisper as he passed.
"Realization of anticipated recovery pierced his soul with confirmation that this was real."
If anything can confirm that something is real, I imagine it would have to be REALization. I don't know if I'd appreciate being pierced by recovery, no matter how anticipated.
"His body drained from the emotional turmoil that he was experiencing subsided has he neared the encumbered room."
Has this person ever dealt with commas? If so, she'd realize that her hero's body just subsided. Was this much anticipated recovery the emotional turmoil that she speaks of? And I'm not sure that a room can be
encumbered. If it can be, I have no idea what that implies. Apparently the emotional turmoil was supposed to subside, but if that's the case,
there are some verb tense problems...
I just tried to rewrite the sentence and failed. Good luck.
"Suddenly he stopped to miraculously gaze upon the luminous light encompassed around the door."
What's so miraculous about gazing? What sort of light isn't luminous by definition? you can't "encompassed around" a door. encompassing the door
maybe. That's just disgusting.
"Standing there perplexed by the vision he was witnessing as happiness intruded his soul and mind."
That's not a sentence. If it were "Happiness intruded upon his soul and mind (shudder) as he stood perplexed by the vision." (I thought the point was that it was REAL...he REALized it was REAL...so why have a vision
now...). I think you have to witness a vision, even if they are words that sound ugly together.
Is this a long book?
If so, it's not worth what she's paying you. I'm sorry you didn't win your case...
Incidentally, my document is roughly 200 pages long now, and the guy for whom I'm redacting refuses to use the US English dictionary, instead preferring the British equivalent. Other than deciding that plugs are captivated instead of captive, having no concept of the difference between it's and its, and speaking to the equipment as though he's standing in the
room pointing at it, it's not a bad job. Good Lord, I can't imagine doing yours. Is it all like that? I bet this whole "write a book" idea started 3 years ago when someone bought her a word of the day calendar.
Even though I have no plot, my book is already better than that.
Bart said:
edited, condensed
His mind rushed to the Hospital, dripping perspiration, as he wiped himself down the long dark corridors, pierced with confirmation that this was real. His body drained emotional turmoil around the door. Standing there perplexed, happiness intruded his mind.
TRANSLATION
(I really had to go bad, but thankfully I found a bathroom at the hospital.)
It seems like our buddy was about to get to the encumbered room of destiny, you must be near the end...i mean, after the emotional turmoil he's been through, a room like that is as blissful as one could ever hope, so light and bright...
Were you not just recently trying to get me involved in one o' them writing-things-down type jobs? Did I kick your dog or something? I di'n't mean to, honest!
This is why I lift heavy things: I'm far too delicate of sensibility to tolerate this sort of savagery. Also, because I are more bigger than smarter, laws, yes. M-O-O-N!
Isn't an emotional turmoil sort of like a coffee urn, having a little tap at the bottom through which one could, if so inclined, drain one's body? No, I suppose One would need Two to operate the tap, right? Or not?
Of course, One would first have to get into the emotional turmoil (over the top, I expect), but evidently this presents no practical difficulty, as
there seems to be a great deal of it going on- and on.
Where's that confounded tap?!
Mark fumbled his way down the hall.
Had he been drinking? Why couldn't he find his way?
He remembered the men, and what they had done to him. "Makes sense", he thought, "they must know I made it back here".
He figured if they were going to stop him they would have done it by now. It must be safe to keep going, and if not what the hell did he have to lose? He put his emotions aside as he approached the door. It was barely ajar, and a stream of light poured out into the hallway.
As the door slowly swung open, Mark remembered what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It stood there right in front of him, almost laughing.
A 62" flat-panel TV.
Playing porn.
Has this person ANY native language? If so, what?
And how did you manage to put your foot in this trap anyway? Were there no signs and portents? No harbingers?
Ace
Obviously, everything commented by "ae" isn't me, just posted by me from the emails.
I think your author plagiarized that from one of my students’ papers. I see this stuff all the time and have finally learned to control my gag reflex.
- Gordon
Dept. Biological Sciences
California State Univ. Chico
"....'Suddenly he stopped to miraculously gaze upon the luminous light encompassed around the door.'
What's so miraculous about gazing? What sort of light isn't luminous by definition? you can't "encompassed around" a door. Encompassing the door maybe. That's just disgusting...."
You have to appreciate someone who can refer to really egregious use of language as "disgusting." That's absolutely priceless. I hope you do more of these. God knows there is no shortage of ammunition.
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